Honesty

It's a human thing.  Why is it so damn hard for us to admit that we are sad, or having a hard time, or breathing heavier than usual?  If you complain too much on social media, you are considered annoying.  If you only post pictures about your happy life and perfect relationship, you are considered superficial.  So here I am, trying to break those extremes with some honesty.

Since returning from my almost dream-like trip to India, I have been a bit of an emotional mess.  The past few days weeks have been some of the most difficult I can remember.  I have been made painfully aware of my flaws--to the point where I let them become my identity.  I feel like I have spent 43,829 minutes worrying and over analyzing things over the last month.  That's a lot--considering it is literally every minute.   

"They" say that everyone experiences heartbreak--everyone goes through a time in their life where they feel totally lost. Well "they" are full of shit because nothing "they" could have said could prepare me for it.  So that's my honesty piece.

But here is the beauty in it all--the silver lining, if you will, or perhaps just a happy perspective:

It is all okay.  So much of life seems to be about the perspective we have on it.  So right now, my perspective is that these dark days and heavy feelings will serve a purpose.  I have never really spent this much time with myself, and let me tell you, it is perhaps the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me.  It is the worst because I am confronted face-to-face with my every insecurity, every flaw, and every bit of self-doubt.  And truthfully, that gets lonely.  That is not to say I don't have wonderful friends and family in my life, because I do--this has just been the most me I have ever had to handle.  But already, this has been absolutely essential in my life journey.  These days will help me strengthen my independence, and help me to rekindle my passion for life.  They will help me to rediscover me.

So who am I? Well, right now I am not really sure how to answer that question.  The other day, I had the intense urge to jump on a plane to anywhere (let's be real, that is an every day thought).  But the then I had the thought that being a fire-fighter would be pretty cool.  Then I thought trading lives with my dog would be the most stellar thing in the world. Point is, for the first time, this obsessive planner and big dreamer doesn't know what the future holds.  For the first time, I am actually living in the moment, day-to-day.  And that is okay for now.  I am working on myself, from the inside out.  Right now, I know that I want to make a difference in the world (I don't know how).  I want to treat everyone with kindness (sometimes I fail).  I enjoy reading comedian's memoirs (I envy their natural ability to make clever jokes).  Running, oddly enough, makes me extremely happy (I'm really slow).  There's more, but that is a pretty good summary of what I have.  But right now, it is what I need.
I will take this time for me.  But I will be back with the firey passion, loud opinions, failed attempts at ridiculous jokes, and crazy dreams in no time.